Samoupoznavanje: Self-Knowing – Michelle Baraba’s perspective

As a self-taught artist, I had limited exposure to the vast variety of non-traditional art modalities, and so my art-making practice was heavily restricted prior to postgraduate art therapy training. My artistic expression mainly consisted of precisely planned drawings using black ink pens, with occasional incorporation of acrylic paints for colour. My artworks were directly executed on canvases of size A3 or larger, always with the intention of being displayed. My method of working was unfortunately unforgiving, and allowed little room for creative experimentation and play. Art-making was a stressful process and I often became stuck in creative blocks due to my fear of failure and inability to be satisfied by anything I created.

As a postgraduate art therapy trainee, I observed the rapid growth and development of both my personal and professional identities with the continuous integration of art throughout my art therapy training. The Introduction to Art Therapy (Studio) module in the first term provided a significant foundation for the programme (Cahn, 2000; Wong & Lay, 2021). The emotional, psychological, and physiological properties of a variety of artistic modalities (such as clay, lino printing, and body sculpting, to name a few) were demonstrated through experiential means. It was through this module that I discovered my preference for collage, watercolour, and engagement with natural materials such as seashells, stones, branches, and dried flowers and foliage.

Since the beginning of the training we were also highly encouraged to engage in a creative journal, which was a relatively new practice for me. The purpose of this was to reflect on any ongoing processes during the emotionally and psychologically intensive training, as well as to learn to express ourselves using various art media (Franklin, 2021). It was through this visual journaling practice that I discovered my creative spark – both as an artist and art therapist in training. I was amazed at how allowing myself to explore, experiment, and make mistakes unlocked my creative potential; all contained within the safety and boundary of the pages of my journal. This reflective visual journaling process also enabled me to identify my style and intrapersonal needs associated with my artistic preferences, which all shaped my artist identity and, consequently, my sense of self as an art therapist. Throughout the two-year training, I completed a total of nine creative journals, and have found it important to carry on this practice, even after the completion of the course, in order to continue feeding the powerful creative energy that has been ignited within me. 

The practice of repetitively weaving yarn around wooden sticks is often referred to as a God’s eye. I became deeply invested in this practice after my peer and co-author of this article, Ling In, initially demonstrated the process during our co-facilitation throughout the first-year clinical placement. Tamie Saita, a Mexican-based artist who teaches yarn mandala weaving through YouTube tutorials, was also a great inspiration to me. I became aware of the universal language of art as I watched Saita’s videos in Spanish (which I don’t speak a word of), and learned complex techniques through replicating and doing. I was enchanted by the calming repetitive weaving process, soft texture of the yarn, and geometric symmetry (Figure 2). As the mandalas I was creating were usually between 15 centimetres to 40 centimetres in diameter, I wished to extend this practice to another level for my final artwork. In order to immerse myself in the meditative weaving experience, I became determined to create my biggest mandala yet to acknowledge the immense growth and development I experienced throughout my art therapy training.

The transformative and healing power of art has always been appreciated and utilised in Hinduism and Buddhism to foster joy, self-awareness, and peace of mind. In Buddhism, creation of a mandala is said to allow an individual to ‘experience unity – and with it security, confidence, power and bliss’ (Brauen, 1997, p.123) through the repetitive process of creating a symmetrical design. C.G. Jung (1989) understood the mandala as an archetypal image symbolising the wholeness of the self, and believed that creating mandalas is a natural part of individuation which he described as the process of transforming one’s psyche by bringing the personal and collective unconscious into conscious.

Mindfulness is one of the key elements in meditation practice as one draws their attention to the here and now in order to bring clarity to that experience. Mindfulness possesses the ability to improve the capacity to regulate emotion, to combat emotional dysfunction, to improve patterns of thinking, and to reduce negative mindsets (Siegel, 2017). Breath work and mindfulness techniques were employed before, during, and after my art-making to regulate the nervous system and allow for a profounder weaving experience. The artistic process took place in contemplative silence to strengthen the effect of the mindfulness practice, which is quite different from my previous approaches to art-making where I mostly listened to music.

Shells hold sentimental value for me as a reminder of the humble Croatian fisherman’s village of Njivice from which I originated. As a child I spent hours diving in the ocean, and eventually developed a diverse shell collection which is continued even today. Although I didn’t initially plan to add shells to my mandala, I felt an intense need for their presence. The silent weaving process prompted memories of my culture and feelings of sadness arising from not being able to visit due to the current Covid-19 pandemic. The specific shells I included in my artwork are cowrie shells, which are used as currency in Africa, where they represent the goddess protection, and the elixir due to their resemblance to the female life-giving organ. Cowrie shells are also used in magic rituals for healing, good luck, and fertility throughout the Middle East, Egypt, the South Pacific, and Mediterranean, and these are also themes that often emerge in my artworks. 

Weaving the mandala shown in Figure 3 was indeed a process of individuation in which I interacted with deeper parts of myself (Beaumont, 2018). As a tribute to my Croatian heritage, the natural materials of yarn, wooden sticks, and shells were incorporated in my artistic individuation process. I further connected to my roots by choosing a Croatian word to describe my process: Samoupoznavanje. There is no direct English translation for this term, but samo refers to the self, and upoznavanje is the concept of knowing, meeting, or introducing. Together, Samoupoznavanje means ‘self-knowing’, and so my artwork can actually be conceptualised as a self-portrait that materialised as an artistic meditation to engage self-exploration, introspection, and self-awareness through mindfulness practice. The meditative and repetitive mandala-weaving process facilitated a connection with the authentic self through exploration of identity, existentialism, entanglements, and mindfulness.